Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
