Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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