good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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