if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
