I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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