I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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