for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
