i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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