I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
