We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
