I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
