I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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