I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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