they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My dick has a subreddit
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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