I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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