best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize