it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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