I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
