people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
