I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
