I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
