gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
