She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
