3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
