She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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