I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
