Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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