she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize