happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
