Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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