I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
