I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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