Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
