I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
