mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
