just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
