Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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