i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
