god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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