textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize