new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
