I'm lost and stupid without you.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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