Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
