guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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