The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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