I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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