and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
