I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
