OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
