phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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