The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
This gyro tastes like lonliness
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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