on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
