I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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