If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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