I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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