I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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