In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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