Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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