everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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